Tuesday, September 6, 2011

It's been quite a while since I've posted here. So much has happened and I just haven't had the time to sit down with this little blog and keep it going. But I am back and I will try to maintain my presence here.

In June we lost Mom. It was a most beautiful, but sad experience. Around 5:00 a.m., she pushed the LifeLine button and they called me stating that she needed help to the restroom, so Vaughn went with me to help. The last few days had been a struggle for her and I was very tired, I was thankful for the help. We helped her to the bedside potty and back and she asked us to stay with her for a little while. She dozed in and out and talked the whole time. At one point, my sweet husband asked his mother, "Mom, why don't you just let go?"

Her response scared us for a minute, she said that no one was there. Then she smiled and said "Hi" to whomever it was, and told us, "There He is." She once again began speaking to people and rested. A little bit later, she asked us to hold her hand, shaking from the tremors that had racked her life for so long now. We took her hands in ours and held her gently. She told Vaughn she loved him and smiled, looking into his eyes in her gentle way and in a few minutes, the shaking stopped. The violent tremor that had been my companion as I cared for her all this time, suddenly slipped away as she was welcomed Home into the arms of her Father, her parents, and her beloved, Billy Ray Lusk.

That day was the hardest day of my life to that point. The last several years devoted solely to her, my occupation, my home, my life chosen to accommodate her, and she was gone. It wasn't so bad until the wonderful men from Brown's gently took her away. As they removed her from her home, the only place she ever felt "at home," as she told us on more than one occasion, it hit me like a cannon shot to the chest. She was gone! Who am I without her? Who is a caregiver with no one to care for? What was I to do if not care for her? I had a meticulous schedule that allowed me to work, care for my home and my husband, and care for her. Now what would I do with all that time that was scheduled for her? What would become of the person I had become?

The funeral was beautiful, just as she had planned it. Pastor Steve brought the message from Mom's favorite book of the Bible, Ruth, a beautiful message about salvation and second chances. Praise God that He is a God of second chances. I am so thankful for His grace in my life and for mom's second chance; that she came back to Him 4 years ago and went Home peacefully. I pray that some damaged relationships in my life will feel His grace and second chances as well.

Mom's little dog, Missy, came to live with us. I know that some days she is still very sad and misses mom as much as we do, but she is getting better. I am still slowly learning to do things again: to go to the store and only get one basket, to look at grapes without crying, that it is okay to go on living,  and to find comfort in the fact that she is no longer suffering. My daughter finds peace sitting in Mom's garden, she says Mom talks to her there. Mom and Bethanie enjoyed many long talks, and they were so very close. I find peace in knowing that Mom's garden has become a special place to my little girl as well. Zach lived in the house with Mom and, just like she wanted, he lives there still. It has taken him some time, but he has moved into the living room just this week. Finally making the house his home, not just the back bedroom where he stayed while she lived in the front.

Many things have to change when life changes. We have to have faith like she did, that God has all of this in His strong, capable hands, and that it will all work out for His glory. I will post again soon and continue to update you all on the changes that have come this summer.

Thank you all for reading my silly little ramblings and for being a part of my life. 


IowaHoodlum said...

I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. Thanks so much for sharing this with us. I'm sitting here at my desk at work crying now (should not have been reading blogs at work!). Your story has touched me.

Kaci Lusk said...

Well thank you, I am sorry I made you cry.

I didn't even know you followed my blog, I have yours bookmarked and have gotten some tips for making my wedding dress next year. It's just hard to think about the wedding just yet.

Ronnie said...

It is always hard to lose someone but the knowledge they are in the Arms of Jesus does make it a tad easier...perhaps now you spend that time focusing on you, your man, and your kiddos...praying for you and I would still love to get together and chat.

Kaci Lusk said...

Thank you, Ronnie, I would love that.